The Battle with Myself

Basically what's going on with me and my sorry excuse of an effort to do God's will.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Wax on Wax off Do Re Mi

I washed my car. It needed it BAD. And I waxed it for the first time ever. I'd never waxed a car before. It was actually kind of relaxing. Just me all by myself outside, wax on, wax off. I like being outside, you can sing as loud as you want and nobody cares. Especially since we don't have any neighbors. Which is nice cause singing inside gets really loud, at least if you want to sing it well and practice like you're supposed to.
Anyways the ever hungry treadmill is calling my name....Time to get sweaty. *yay* Running is actually getting to be a pain.(literally) cause now I have to wrap my left leg real tight with bandages for added support so it doesn't hurt like it usually does. I can't even find the real bandages, I'm just using rag strips for the time being. oh well enough about that.
Chow Mien Noodles !

PS. If you want, you can check out my new layout on xanga. www.xanga.com/breebighair
I'm telling you guys, you can do so much more with xanga, it's just cooler.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

A name and a story

Our cat started having kittens yesterday and she's still having them today. There are five living right now. One of them didn't get formed completely and was still born.

The "sleep" over was way fun, and my new name is Cora now.(or so the other girls say.) We all had new names that night. The new names were chosen based upon what everyone else thought we looked like.

Courtney: Madison
Leighanne: Jennifer
Sarah: Allison
Eyliah: Samantha
Esther: Claire or Charity (we never did decide so instead we call her Clairity :)
Christa: Marion
Briana: Cora

Anyways here is a story that I wrote for the contest. We were all given a sentance to start our story out with. This is the sentance with which we had to begin
"I stopped my frantic flight for a moment to take stock of my surroundings and catch my breath. No matter where I looked I couldn’t seem to see anything familiar. Gradually the realization struck me that I was completely lost."

well here it is for those of you who care to read it. It's not very good but whatever, I'll post it anyhow.

Camel Caper
I stopped my frantic flight for a moment to take stock of my surroundings and catch my breath. No matter where I looked I couldn't seem to see anything familiar. Gradually the realization struck me that I was completely lost. I wish I could say that I was also completely alone.
"Drat this overpopulated market!" I pushed my way through the crowded streets of the old city that sat in the southern region of Israel, just shy of the Saudi Arabian border. I had to be at a meeting with the Israeli historians. I would be late.
"Arthur!" yelled a voice from the crowd. I turned around. It was Will.
"Arthur I thought I'd lost you," he said walking up. "We need to stay together, you know for protection."
"Oh, please spare me. I don't need your protection. In fact, I don't need anything from you," I said and began to walk off.
"Oh, come on Art, don't be so glum. You have to admit that this is fun! You and me, seeing the world, having adventures. Isn't it great?" He fell into step beside me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Just like we always said we would. King Authur and his trusty knight, Sir William, out on another quest," he finished with a grin and a far off look in his eye.
"No," I replied coldly taking his arm off my shoulder. "We're here because I need to do ancient history research for the museum. I won't be distracted by your dumb ideas. Are we clear?"
"Yeah, sure Art, whatever you say," he said, his smile vanishing.
"Well, let's get back. I have a meeting."
"Okay. It's this way" he said pointing and walking in the opposite direction that I had been going.
"I knew that," I said, turning to follow.
"Of course you did," he said trying not to laugh. "What's so important about that paper you're working on anyway?" he asked
"The written word is a powerful thing," I replied "If I do a good enough job on this research project it could get me a big promotion at the museum, not to mention recognition in the historic community," I said "The only problem is I haven't discovered anything exciting and new to write about the whole time we've been here," I finished speaking as we came to the door of the inn.
"Well, I'm sure something will turn up," said Will encouragingly, "You'll see."
"Sure," I replied sourly, walking inside. Later that same day, I was deep in thought studying at my desk, when I was suddenly interrupted.
" Arthur!" Will burst into the room shouting, accidentally slammed the door against the wall which startled me causing my ink to spill all over the desk, ruining my paper.
"Ahhh! What is it?" I asked angrily getting up, and being careful not to get ink on me.
"Art you've got to come and see this! We have to do this while we're here." He paced the room excitedly. "Come and see!"
"Will," I said in a warning tone, "This had better be important.
I followed after Will who was rushing along at a fast pace. I squeezed through the crowded market. I'd almost lost sight of him when I spotted him passing through the south gate. He ran several hundred yards into the desert where he stopped and stood staring.
"Will," I said in a raspy voice, and panting as I came up beside him. "What's going on? Why did you bring me all the way out here?"
"To see this" he answered.
"All I see is a bunch of sand," I said, my head down and hands on knees, trying to catch my breath.
"Just look," he said.
I stood and raised my head. There were several familiar figures moving around in the dusky distance. I soon recognized them.
"Camels?" I questioned. "You brought me all the way out here to see camels?!"
"Isn't it fascinating?" replied Will. He hadn't realized that I didn't share his enthusiasm. "You have to promise me that you and I will learn to ride one before we go home."
"Will," I said stiffly, trying not to let my temper get the better of me. "I have a research assignment to complete, and if I don't have it finished by the end of this week, I could lose my position at the museum, and unless these camels can help me finish it then I'm going back to the Inn and try to repair all the damage you did to my desk!"
Will continued watching. "I wonder what those riders are doing running around out here at sunset," he pondered, paying no mind that I was talking to him.
"Did you hear what I said?!" I shouted, not caring about my temper anymore.
"Look how fast they are!" he exclaimed.
I looked over at the camels. They had drawn amazingly close in the few moments I had looked away. They were picking up more speed the closer they got.
"Who are they?" asked Will, curiously watching them draw nearer.
"Arabs," I gasped, suddenly remembering the warning from the inn keeper not to be out side the city after sunset. "Uh, I think we should get back to the city," I said turning slightly. "Right now!" I took several steps back.
"Why, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Stop asking dumb questions, and run!" I yelled. We both turned and began running toward the city gate. We ran hard, but it was not fast enough.
I looked up in time to see a black clad arm reach down and jerk me up onto the camels back. I struggled to get free but to no avail.
"Let me go!" I cried out, still fighting the iron grip. Suddenly I remembered Will. I spotted him on another camel, and waved to get his attention. He saw me and began to shout.
"When I said I wanted to ride a camel this wasn't exactly what I had in mind!" Darkness fell.
I awoke to a throbbing sensation in the back of my head. My feet and hands were tied, making it difficult to move. I looked around the room. I was in some kind of cave like structure. It was hard to see when the only light was from the torches that were burning in the other room.
"Art?" whispered a voice. "You awake?"
"Will? Yeah, I'm awake. Where are you?"
"I'm over here to your right." I rolled over. "Did they knock you out too?" I asked still feeling the swelling lump on my head.
"Yeah, I guess they didn't want us talking with each other," he said.
"They didn't want us to see where we were being taken either," I said still whispering.
"Do you have any idea where we are?" he asked hopefully.
"No," I replied
"Why would they want to take us?" he asked
"They're scavengers, and technically we were on their side of the border when we were captured. They probably thought they could make a profit off of us, from any money we had on us and maybe a ransom."
"But we aren't wealthy!" exclaimed Will.
"They think all Americans are rich," I replied. "Even though we're not, they could still sell us as slaves to make a profit."
"What are we gonna do?" he asked in a worried tone.
"First, you need to stop asking pesky questions then we need to get untied," I said. "Turn over so I can untie you."
He rolled over and I began to untie the knots on his wrists. They were tight and difficult, but I managed to get them loose. Next he untied mine, our ankles were last. Once free, we got up slowly and quietly and began looking around the room.
"Do you see anything we could use as a weapon?" I asked squinting in the dark.
"No, there's nothing in here but a bunch of maps and a few books," he replied, looking at them thoughtfully. He picked up a bag that lay on the table and began stuffing them in it.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"They might come in handy," he replied
I rolled my eyes. "They'll just get in the way."
He kept packing them.
Be careful!" I scolded. "They look fragile."
After he had filled the bag, we cautiously walked into the next room. It was empty save for some blankets and pallets. We heard voices approaching.
"Hurry," I said, beginning to run.
We took a passage to the left. It led us through a dark tunnel with long shelf like holes cut out in the side of the rock. There were symbols of the cross engraved all along the walls. I soon realized where we were. We were walking through a catacomb.
I paused to look at some of the bodies. I was curious to know who these people had been. They all wore the same long robe like apparel though it was deteriorated badly.
I had an idea. "Let me see one of those maps." I grabbed the paper from Will's bag, unrolling it. "These aren't maps. "These are scrolls! Extraordinary," I said in awe studying the parchment. "If I'm correct, these bodies are the bodies of some of the first Christ believing hermits!"
"I thought hermits lived alone," said Will.
"Yes, but these hermits were different. Their lives were similar to that of monks," I replied. "In fact this could be one of the first monastaries! This is just what I needed for my research. I'm glad I discovered it," I said as we continued down the passage.
" Right," mumbled Will to himself. "You found it."
We made it to the end of the tunnel and suddenly found ourselves outside beneath a bright starlit sky.
"We need to find the camels," I said, and looked around me. We paused and listened for a moment. A faint grunting sound came from down the caverns to the right. We raced toward it, our footsteps fell silent on the soft sand.
We reached the stables and scanned the area for guards. There was one on watch inside, but he had fallen asleep. It was near sunrise.
" I'll do it," offered Will.
"No. This has to be done right. I'll go in," I replied.
"I might be your little brother, but I'm not a baby you know!" he exclaimed, his nerves on edge.
"Will, if I let you do this, we'll end up as slaves for sure," I said passing in front of him. He fell silent, and became rigid, his jaw tight as if gritting his teeth. Only his eyes moved as he watched me enter the cave.
There were 20 camels contentedly dozing. We only needed two, but we would have to chase the others off into the desert so we couldn't be followed.
I led the camels out of the cave two at a time, cautiously so as not to wake the guard.
After I led out the last pair and shooed them off into the desert, Will and I went back in for the last two, ready to make our escape. I glanced over my shoulder. The guard was still asleep. I was mounting the camel when my wet and clammy hands lost their grip. I fell down, knocking over the trough. Will silently walked over to help me.
"Stop!" yelled a heavily accented voice.
I'd forgotten about the guard. He had awoken.
Will and I stood motionless. For the first time I didn't know what to do. The Arab held us at gun point. There was nothing to do but surrender. I slowly raised my hands and told Will to do the same. Will calmly raised his hands in the air. He held a book in one hand.
"Turn round!" commanded the man in broken English.
I began to turn but suddenly Will, without warning or hesitation, threw his book as hard as he could at the Arab's head. It hit him above his temples. The guard collapsed; he was out cold.
" Nice shot!" I said standing astonished.
Will shrugged his shoulders as he retrieved the book. "The written word is powerful thing," he said with a grin.
"Maybe Will's not useless after all," I thought, smiling to myself.
We finally mounted the camels. As soon as we left the stables, Arabs came rushing out of cave openings everywhere. Gun shots rang out. They were shooting at us! We sped our camels on as fast as we could, but the bullets were faster. I was hit. I cried out as a searing pain shot down my leg. My sight began to fade. I felt someone's arm grab me and a voice spoke.
"You're gonna make it Art, I've got you."
I felt myself falling. I jerked awake. A bright light was shining through the window. I was laying in a soft bed. A familiar voice began to speak. "How are you feeling?"
"Not too bad" I replied looking up at Will. "I'm afraid I owe you an apology," I said shamefully.
"Nonsense!" he exclaimed, "no need to apologize for anything."
"I'm afraid there is, though," I said continuing. "I haven't exactly been treating you right lately. I'm ashamed for the way I've treated you. Putting you down all the time, acting like I'm better than you, like you can't do anything right, and just a burden on me. In fact I turned out to be the one who was a burden. You saved my life, Will. I wanted to thank you for that, and I want you to know how sorry I am. I hope you can forgive me for all that I've done." I stared down at my blanket. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't expect him to forgive me, though I hoped he would.
"Thanks, Art" he replied with a soft smile. "You don't know what it means to me to hear you say that and of course I forgive you!" he said breaking out in a big grin and giving me a hug. I let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh, there is one more thing," I said. "I'm going to tell the museum that you found the scrolls, so it looks like I'm gonna have to go find another artifact for my research," I looked up at him smiling.
"The great King Arthur isn't going to set out on another quest now is he?" he asked in a playful tone.
"Only if his most brave and valiant knight Sir William is coming too," I replied sitting up. "Though, there'll be no camels this time," I said, wincing.
"Oh?" said Will raising an eyebrow in question.
"No," I continued, "King Arthur must let his bullet wounds heal before attempting that," I said smiling and patting my rump.
Will's puzzled look broke into a broad grin, and he let out a hearty laugh.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Angry storm




As I looked and listened to the raging of the sea
I felt the sea of anger raging inside me

The storm in me raged on and on
as though it would go on forever more
and my heart grew heavier and heavier
from the anger that it stored

The storm was destroying all in it's grasp
Like this I could no longer live
and so I uttered two small words
the words were "I forgive"

And as if by some sudden command
my storm had shut it's door
A sudden peace came over me
and anger knew me no more.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

They found her!

THEY'VE FOUND POPEYE'S MOM!




Monday, March 20, 2006

Who am I?

This blog is well named, as I'm continually finding out more and more with each passing day.

If there's something about me that you have a problem with, talk to me about it. Don't judge me, I prolly don't even realize I'm doing it, or that the results are bad. Talking about it behind my back only hurts. If I've done anything to offend anyone or done anything inappropriate I apologize right now, right here.
Believe me when say this has been a very confusing time in my life.

"Iron sharpens iron" I think it's happening in my life at this moment. Maybe this is part of the purpose of being here with all of you. Maybe I needed it. I know I needed it. A frigid blast of air to knock the breath out of my song, because it's not the one I'm supposed to sing.

Everything's great, she's got a smile on her face,
Everything's fine, everyday's another good time
Laugh with all her friends, talk long after day light ends
It's all good why does she pretend?

Lay the mask aside, afraid of what's inside
What if people see, what is really me?
Play the roll act like you're in control until you shatter
What's the matter?

I'm perfect, my life has no defect
They'll think nothings wrong if I just sing my perfect song
Things couldn't be better if I tried, but what if I just lied?
Keep it to myself, make sure that I hide.

Bottle it up, close it up tight, convincing myself everything is alright
Don't share it or cry, carry it inside till you fall
You can't handle it all

Rain falls down, pieces of me around on the floor
Tape them together, ignore the weather
Problems up on the shelf, I'm only hurting myself
Just break and fall, admit that it's not all okay

Weep cry,
you're dying inside, it brings healing
show what you're feeling


This one still needs an ending

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I have returned

Guess what?

I'M BACK!!!!! * Deep breath* ahhhhhh loveliness.

I won't say much right now but I'm wondering if I should even begin to comment on the comments of the previous "post". I think I will just leave it alone and move on.

Okay so here is one poem that I wrote back in September. I think I'm gonna change some things but here it is in it's original form. This poem is hopefully going to be a song soon. It's in the process right now. If only I could play guitar it be awesome! Still the piano is working fine by itself.

Sleep won't come to me
this midnight life won't let me be
So weary I want to weep
but I can't fall asleep.

My gaze drifts to the skies
star shine on my sleepless eyes
I see the man in the moon
night has reached it's full bloom

I'm wide awake
and I want to shake
this sleepless mind
I want to find
some peace

A warmness spreads over my eyes
they slowly close before I realize
that nothing's ever what it seems
I'm sleeping in my dreams.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, March 04, 2006

My stressful week.

Our homeschool group in "Lake town" had a banquet Friday night. It was fun, but I'm glad it's over. I was way to stressed these past couple of days/ weeks/ or I could say this whole month.

I guess you could say I was freaking out, cause untill wednesday I still didn't have anything to wear to the banquet which was only two days away. Let me say this loud and clear I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ask me to go! Gah! Two days straight of nothing else but shop shop shop and finding nothing!

Thursday we were trying to find something to go over the dress because of the "dress code" and I was like *picture me saying this with a frazzled, worn to a knub, on the verge of tears, whining kind of tone, and me leaning on the shopping cart head on the handle stairing at the ground,limping slightly as I walk.* " I don't know...I dont care....fine....I'll try it......I just don't like crochet......I wanna go home......I'm starving .....my leg hurts.....I wish I could go to the phone bank, oh well.......let's hurry up so we can leave.

Anyways after shopping and stopping at every store in town....we finally found everything we needed. Once we got home I got to have the enjoyment of sewing a bunch of little pearls on the little jacket....yeah fun. OH!!! not to mention the fact that since we had been gone ALL day...when I got home to my bedroom some mysterious force had pulled out every possible peice of clothing imaginable out of the dresser and play cloths box AND all the toys out of the toy bin. Yeah needless to say I couldn't see my floor. I was sooo "happy".

Anyways enough complaining. It was fun, the speaker was great, and playing "kick the can" on campus (awesome game)after the banquet.

Sooo yeah if I stay on here any longer I'm going to get in Grande trouble sooo yeah bye.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I know this is late but hey...cut me some slack.

The wedding could best be described as short and sweet, but to recap on the entire weekend I'll start with Friday.

Friday: We all got up and tried to finish packing, making sure that we had all the clothes and food and shoes and hair styling equipment and makeup and accessories ect ect ect.....(this took awhile) To my disappointment we had to miss speech but oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

So we tried to leave in enough time to get to the community center and set up for the rehearsal dinner before meeting everyone over at the chapel. We made it there (though not as early as we hoped) and set everything up. The beans were on low, the rolls were rising, and the brisket was warming in the oven. We were good to go.

We got to the church said hello to all the family and future family, and waited on the porch sheltered from the rain for the door to be unlocked. It eventually was.

After telling everyone what they were supposed to do we made a first run through of it. The bride (as is tradition) chose someone to stand in for her part. I was that chosen person. I was absolutely honored and delighted to be chosen (though pretending to marry your brother is kinda weird, I think it was even more strange for him though)

After making a second run through everyone was satisfied and we all loaded up to head over for dinner.

Well.......all did not go as planned. The beans apparently had sat out to long the day before and were spoiled. (The bog of eternal stench!) So we sent them on the porcelain express.
Dad ran(drove in a car, he's not that athletic) to waly mart and bought some Busch's. ( the beans.....not shrubbery) All was well. The night was a success and we all went home with smiles and big bellies, looking forward to the long awaited tomorrow.

Friday night: Mom was up trying to make a grooms cake. German chocolate was the choice and she was gonna make a good one. She forgot, however, to bring any kind of platter to put it on, so she goes and wakes up Dad(this is at 1:00 am by the way) and they both went to waly world (again) to get it. At this point I turned off the computer and went to bed.

After Mom and Dad got back, Mom continued fixing the cake. She put it on the platter and began to ice it. It was thick, it was moist, it was beautiful, it was finished....but something began to happen...... *CRACK.......SLIIIIIIIDE..........SPLOP!* The top layer split directly down the center leaving a gaping ravine and one corner completely broke and fell off. Don't ask why this happened.....cause we don't know. The top layer looked like it had been cut in half, there was no fixing this one. (this happened at about 3:00am) They stuck the earthquake cake in the fridge and went to bed.

Saturday: Dad went to the Butcher shop and bought a German chocolate cake. The rest of us got up, ate breakfast and started getting dressed, fixing hair, finding shoes and solving little squabbles midst the little uns.

We made it over to the church early so we could take pictures before the wedding instead of after. (Which I rather liked. You don't have to stand around being hungry forever)

Then the wedding began. Everyone looked lovely. First the grandparents were ushered in. One of my grandmothers was teary eyed and seeing her that way made me start to be teary eyed as well.
Next the parents were seated.
My brother was one sharp looking guy in his shiny black shoes and black tuxedo whose light pink tie and vest added marvelous contrast.( he was so handsome, I can say that....he's my bro) He and the best man (my cousin Seth) stood up at front waiting for the rest of them. The bridesmaid walked down the isle in a blushing pink dress with a bouquet to match.
The little 6 year old ring bearer ( my lil bro bryson) walked down the isle looking so "cheek pinching" sweet in his pink bow tie and holding his little pink pillow. ( the color scheme was pink in case you haven't guessed)
The flower girl ( my lil 4 yr old sis Brigette) was absolutely adorable in her long poofy pink dress. She walked down the isle strewing pink rose petals as she went.
And last of all came the Bride, walking beside her father arm in arm. Her dress was pretty and simple, just as she wanted it. She looked beautiful, and she needed no fancy and frills to make her such.

The ceremony proceeded, everything was going well. The further things progressed the more teary eyed I became. Tears were streaming down my face as I struggled to maintain my composure. My Grandmother passed me a tissue for which I'm most grateful.

I don't know if y'all can relate or not but it was hard on me. To see your older brother who you've looked up to and played with growing up, who was your friend and always around(especially since we were homeschooled) and stood up for you, teased you , aggravated you to death, but you always knew he loved you. To see him off and grow up and start a family of his own......it was tough. I love him so indcredibley much.
Toward the end my tears let up considerably and I thought "oh that wasn't too bad" but then I started to think, and that's very dangerous.

The wedding was over and people were standing to leave I stood up and began to walk down the side of the isle towards the back where all my cousins and aunt and uncles were. ........That's when I lost it. I couldn't hold it in any longer. My face became a picture of pain as I burst into tears. My Uncle Darrel gave me a hug and just held me and stroked my head as I sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like a long time. ( when I say sobbed I mean it.....I cried so hard, the kind of crying that makes your entire body shake and you can't stop it) After a while I began to laugh at myself for crying so hard, so I was laughing and crying at the same time. My Uncle Paul J also gave me a hug and I cried then too. But by the time I made it to the door I was able to control myself pretty well and tried to mingle.

You have to understand that this was unusual for me. I can usually control my self pretty well. Crying in public is not something that I do. It makes me uncomfortable when people see me cry, maybe it's because you are so vernerable at that moment. Your emotions are bared and you become transparent. I've always said, " you never really know a person until you've seen them cry" and I feel that it's true. Most of the time people put on a happy face when around other people and we think "oh everything's always fine" So I made a scene (unintentionally) People came up later and were like "oh here's the emotional one" and " what was all that crying for?" But everyone was nice in their remarks.
Oh and I thought I had cried all my tears out, but on sunday night I had lots of pondering time in the car on the way home, and ....well....I cried some more. I needed to cry, I'd been holding everything in.

Anyways, the reception was fun, the cake was gorgeous, they cut the cake, drank punch, threw the garter (bryson dove for it and slid on the floor. He was victorious) They threw the bouquet of which I caught. (yaay! go me) I found out later that one of Krissy's aunt's ( who is mentally disabled though not severely) was soooo mad because I caught it and she really wanted it. I was like "uh oh, already starting a family feud here"
I was stuffed. We did the machareina(sp?) and the chicken dance and bride and groom and parents and grandparents all danced throughout the day. (I didn't)

We decorated their car blew bubbles at them as they got in ,and they drove away running a red light and speeding round the corner. It was fun all in all and sad for me in a way, though I'm happy for them.

So begins a new chapter of all our lives.

Here's a picture. It's giving me trouble so I'm just gonna put one up here